Why do I make life hard for myself? Have you ever asked yourself this question? You’re not alone. We’ve all been there. We’ve all had moments where we’re too hard on ourselves, especially when we make a mistake. But why is this so?

It’s time to delve into this. First I am not a psychologist. Second I am just going to be speaking from my experience. I am also going to speak from a place of ownership, that this is something within our control to change. So let’s jump into why we’re so hard on ourselves and find ways to encourage personal growth and self-improvement.

Why We’re Hard on Ourselves, Making Life Harder

Often, we are our own harshest critics. We tend to be hard on ourselves when we mess up, and even harder when we make a mistake at work. We have a hard time making decisions because we are scared of being wrong and must avoid failure at all costs.

Well, this isn’t just because we expect perfection from ourselves. It’s more complex than that. Being hard on yourself can be a sign of depression, but it can also be a reflection of how we perceive success and failure. We often equate mistakes with failure, and success with perfection. This perception can make life seem hard and painful.

Social Media The Comparison Game

One of the biggest reasons why we are so hard on ourselves is the comparison game. We always tend to compare ourselves to others because we are wishing and trying to be someone else. Then beat ourselves up when we don’t met the standards because we can’t actually become that person. Social Media only amplifies this. If you are looking at social media and then feeling depressed or hopeless about life afterward, you just need to trash it and not be on it. Seriously comparing yourself to others is one of the number one most destructive mindsets to have and here is why:

You are the only You that has ever existed

So when you compare yourself to someone else, it’s a false comparison. Think of it this way. I will never be Michael Jordan simply because I am Micahel Abernathy. If I spend my life trying to be Michael Jordan, I will become hopeless because deep down in my heart I know I am not him. Now I’m talking about the fact that I could learn to play basketball and shoot threes really well and learn similar skills. What I am talking about is me wanting and wish to be someone I am not. That is never going to change. I will always be Michael Abernathy. I will always be both the best and worst me that has ever lived because I am the only me. Spending time on social media comparing your life to someone else’s is one fo the most personally toxic actions you can take against your self. I honestly think of it as a form of self-harm.

A Personal Challenge:

If you struggle with being on social media and comparing yourself to others. I challenge you to put away your phone and not touch any social app for an entire day. Instead go for a 30 min walk, stretch, and do 10 pushups. See how you feel about yourself afterward. The goal is this, replace social media with exercise. It’s way more healthy for you.

Why Am I So Hard on Myself and Others?

There are several aspects to this so I’ll touch on a couple to help.

aspects

Perfectionism

Okay, so perfectionism is a real thing. Perfectionism oftentimes comes from fear of something or devaluation of self. So if we are stuck in perfectionism oftentimes we are trying to find our worth in our work and if our work is not perfect well I am worthless and feel horrible.

Perfectionism is not setting high standards, it’s setting an impossible standard that cannot ever be met. It really comes from you trying to fix yourself through your work or through other people. and if I don’t meet that standard and those around me don’t meet that standard thus they and I are horrible and everything sucks.

The way out of this is to realize that perfection is an illusion in this life. It does not exist. The other way to deal with this is to realize that your value is not your work and people’s value is not their work. Your value and their value come from something so much greater than just performing a task.

Self Devaluation, aka I’m Not Good Enough

If we have a core belief that I am not good enough, I have held this belief personally, you can spend your entire life chasing a standard that is unattainable. If I believe that I am not good enough, then no project is, work is never good enough, relationships aren’t, and other people aren’t as well.

A couple of signs that I don’t believe I am good enough:

• Hate to be complimented
• Don’t celebrate others, and don’t like to be celebrated.
• Birthdays, holidays, and celebrations for people are not as important especially yours.
• Move on quickly past major accomplishments because you can’t wait to start on the next journey.
• Always looking to improve to a fault. This one can be positive but in this context it’s negative.

To deal with this one, you have to change your core belief from “I’m not good enough” to “I’m good enough” just like I am outside of my work and accomplishments, “I am good enough”

We Treat Others Like We Treat Ourselves

Whatever I believe about myself, I will automatically believe in others. Every person in this life operates through perspective, context, and belief sets. As a result, we interact with those around us through our perspective, context, and belief sets at all times. To put it simply, you treat people how you treat yourself. So if you are constantly negative and hard on yourself, you will automatically treat others the same way.

Trying To Fix Myself Through Others

Now here is the kicker. When we tend to have problems, we want to fix ourselves either through work or through people.

We find that we are much better life coaches to other people and it’s easier to coach than do. That’s true because it is actually very hard to love yourself and take actions that will better your life and better you as a person. Instead of doing what I know to do, like getting off of social media, I will tell others to do it. I also will find myself critical of people who compare themselves to others on social media, because it’s actually what I do. In reality, I’m just deflecting my self-criticalness to others.

Let me leave you with this, and I’ll warn you before you read it, that it’s a tough one to swallow.

The things you hate, dislike, or are most critical of people for are your biggest struggles and you really hate yourself for them. For example, if hypocrisy is a huge point of frustration, look inside first rather than at the other person.

Life Is Hard and Takes Hard Work

So here is a thing. Life is hard, it takes hard work, hard decisions, and determination to navigate. If life was not hard, why are most companies built around providing comfort or escape?

One of the mindsets to have to move forward in your perception of yourself is to understand that life is hard. It’s not just you. It takes planning, work and so much more. It can be overwhelming, but here is the other thing. Life is also full of opportunity. Even if you mess up, opportunities will still be there for you to move forward and try again tomorrow.

Something to keep in mind. There is no right answer for Life, there are lots of different ways to navigate it. What matters is that you choose to be honorable as you move forward.

Life: Hard for Some, Not for Others?

Nope. Life’s challenges vary from person to person. Some people may find life harder than others due to various factors such as their environment, upbringing, or personal experiences. What really matters and what is really important is that everyone has their own journey, and comparison only adds to the problem.

Your life is your life. You must do the best with your life that you can. That’s it. I was not born into the Walmart family, I am not going to have the same starting line or journey. But I think my journey is best for me and is exactly what I need it to be to become the person I must become.

Remember this. The grass is always green over the septic tank. Crap is crap, and it sucks to step in no matter what shoes you wearing and everyone has to deal with crap.

How to Stop Being Hard on Yourself?

Ok, here is some advice for someone who is too hard on themselves:

1. Accept that mistakes are part of life. They’re not a reflection of your worth.
2. Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you extend to others.
3. Change your perception of success and failure. They’re not absolute; they’re part of the journey.
4. Start believing that everything happens for you, not to you.

If your mindset becomes journey-focused rather than right answer focused. Your world will change significantly.

What Do I Need To Do To Have A Less Difficult Life?

So in my opinion, most of the time when we find life hard it’s because we are looking at our current circumstances and trying to find happiness in things that don’t matter. We want escape. We look to something else to make us happy. Such as money, and entertaining movies. We escape through pleasure. This is actually harmful. Because we need to confront the pain that we are currently experiencing to resolve it and remove it from our lives.

So here are a few tips to help make life, not less difficult because life is hard, but more enjoyable.

Become Journey Focused Not Event Focused: Focus on the journey and take joy in the journey rather than just have “I gotta get there” syndrome. Don’t focus on the outcome, if you are on the journey and moving forward the outcome is inevitable. When you focus on the journey, you can take time to appreciate it, and appreciate where you are in life. When you just want to get there all you think about is how much this sucks, and frankly that sucks.

Gratitude and Contentment: If you can be content with your current life you will find so much more peace. See often times we are trying to fix ourselves with the next best thing. Honestly its like a drug addiction, but if you can choose to be content with where you are at life becomes much more enjoyable. You will appreciate what you have more, and stop caring about things you don’t have. Relationships will get better, and you still stop wishing for the vacation or escape that just never seems to do it.

Now the key way to be content is to be thankful. Thankful for a roof over your head, and clothes to wear – even though they aren’t Gucci. Thankful for the food on your plate – even though it might just be beans and rice. Thankful for a place to work even though it might not be where you want to be. Gratitude will change everything. It will also help you get into the mindset to move forward and grow out of your current hardships.

Change your current mindset: You cannot overcome your current hardships without having a mindset change. Your current problems are ones that you created. This is good news though. Because if you created them, you can also fix and solve them. It just requires a different perspective. If you can change your mindset about your current hardships and look at them from a positive perspective, you will overcome them. Gratitude for the problems will help produce a mindset change. Making a list of all the positive aspects of the problems will help produce mindset change. At the minimum problems will make you sharp and strong if you’re willing to fight through them.

Money Doesn’t Equal Wealth of Success: This is a big one. Most people think money will solve all of their problems. Not true money will just make your problems bigger because only you can solve your problems. Remember this, money is not wealth or success. See I define wealth as this, loving relationships/family, health, and freedom. Money can help you attain those, but if you are only money-focused you’re missing out on the wealth you already have.

Now if you are in a position where can’t pay your bills that’s a little bit different than what I am talking about. However, these same principles will help with that.

Wrapping It Up

In closing, remember this – you are more than your mistakes and more than your successes. You are more than the expectations you set for yourself. And most importantly, it’s okay to not be perfect. Life isn’t about perfection; it’s about progress. So, give yourself the grace to grow, to stumble, and to rise again.